I Am Afraid of Love But, Being Single is Tormenting Me

“How long did it take you to get over that guy who was 8 years older than you? You were obsessed with him and yet he didn’t even used to call you, he could go for months without sending you a message but the moment he sends the word “BABE” you flip out”. Sonia asked.

My best friend has a tendency of giving me advice that she doesn’t follow. I know she has good intentions,but it frustrates the hell out of me sometimes that she’s always right. This is one of our many phone calls of the day of us walking ourselves through our days events, of what happened and whom did we see and remembering the girls we both hated in high school then eventually it ends with me telling her about that one guy who didn’t call that I liked so much.

Sonia and I have been friends since high school,  she’s the sister I didn’t have, except we don’t fight over dresses and nail polish.

Most of the time we hate each other’s choice of men. I love her and I thank God for her.

“I told you I can’t really explain why I was so hung-up on him. Some just get caught in the web… they stick around.”

I eventually get to start going into hyper-excuse mode like I always do to cover up for the ugly treatment I get from men.

 I’m mostly scared to think that the men I get to meet will one day just say to me that “I don’t love you, or rather “I’ve never been in love with you Muganda, I just like you”.

This is what the last guy I dated told me. I had called Sonia today to help me think, I was mad and I’ve been having this ugly urge to call my ex.

It’s just been two months since we broke up and I haven’t forgotten about him.

 I changed my number, deleted his contact, blocked him but the stupid thing is I can’t erase the number from my brain.

So, yes I called the guy, didn’t say anything.Before you judge me and call me pathetic,like Sonia has been doing the rest of the conversation let me make you understand where I’m coming from.

We eventually finish the phone call with a bunch of gossips and endless good nights.

It never occurred to me that at any point of my relationship with this rugby player it will one day end.

I don’t know how to be single after a two years and a few months in a relationship. I don’t know how to start over, it’s too much work.

The tears and the frustrations that comes with it and I’m hating every bit of it.

After break ups most people console themselves with empowering anthems like ‘I don’t need anyone else but myself right now.”

 I don’t know about any of you but I hate being single. I hate sleeping alone. I hate waking up alone and horny.

 I hate knowing that every time I have had a long day, I have no one to call to exchange sweet nothings with. I hate not having sex. I hate talking to my friends and hearing them throw ‘My boyfriend and I’ every now and then in the conversation. I’m not jealous, don’t get me wrong.

I hate people asking me why I’m single.

I hate my birthday and valentine’s day because I’m single.

 I hate watching romantic and erotic movies alone. I hate having to think about possibly becoming a single mother because I’m single and mostly I hate being horny knowing that there’s no one to get rid of my sexual needs instead I cry my eyes out.

Ladies, there’s always a guy-or a few guys, actually-out of all the guys you meet who stick around in your mind for a long time. You think about them from time to time, you visit their socials and you reach out.You sit there thinking that there’s still a bit of hope that they’ll call ,text or even send someone say to say hi to you, that is if you guys lived close to each other or even went to the same campus or church.Trust me I’ve been there (still is). This doesn’t make you pathetic, you’re allowed to be vulnerable.

I’m a hopeless romantic who sought approval and validation and tried to fill a void in myself by dating both men and women. I got into relationships to feel a sense of self worth and importance to feel desirable. And because I finally felt seen by the rugby player I believed I had found myself in someone else. I discovered codependency, unhealthy love and heartbreak  over and over. Eventually when we broke up, I believed that I’m not only defective but unlovable.

Developed poor coping strategies that created a pattern of self destruction and more disconnection as I lost trust in him but most importantly in myself. I became desperate and mouldable by him. I did anything I could do to prove I actually mattered, had value and I am lovable. 

I don’t know how I ended up reaching to a point where the word ‘happy’ disappeared and I numb myself in beer, cigarettes and meaningless sex with the one person that wasn’t in love with me. I continued to drift further from myself and God and the more I disconnected from myself the more I craved for a connection with him. Call it toxic.

I have fallen into lukewarm relationships that led to months and years of misery and heartbreak and lots of tears.

 If I were to cry for pay I’d be the richest 22 year old. I knew this relationship wasn’t good for me but just because I was scared of being alone in a world where my age mates are having ‘safe sex’.

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I remember one time in school, my room-mate left for the weekend to see her parents.

 I was seated on my bed in a towel then suddenly the dam broke, tears flooded down like a river with no expression or sound, I just sat there staring blankly.  This became my weekend hobby, my room-mate would leave and the dam would break again. The tears were the only proof that I was alive.

I am broke, I have nothing but my pencil, an exercise book, unfinished stories and my laptop. I have struggled with and (still do) with co-dependency and unhealthy attachments.I was exposed to sex at an early age, got sexually assaulted by people my mother called relatives more reasons I’m still struggling with true intimacy.

I threw myself in the hands of any man that made me feel wanted and loved hoping that they’d love me more than my father who didn’t see the need of being in my life while growing up until I reached twelve. Yes-I have daddy issues. I’ve always lived my head disconnected from my body with no sense of purpose and sense of self love.

I’m starting to understand the roots of being lonely.

Understanding it hasn’t taken away how real and constant it is. It’s not temporary like being hungry or horny. It’s an ongoing state that makes you lose hope.

I have no one to hold, think about or sext and I pray every day that no matter how lonely I get I should never find myself looking him up on his Instagrram, waiting by my phone like an idiot for him to respond to a message I sent weeks ago. Instead of me telling him off or ignoring him.

Who I’m I kidding? I am weak and I’d definitely drop everything right now if he randomly texts me ‘Hi’.

Mr Rugby player, I still love you but I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to hurt any more.  

Pleas, I have been assaulted, my virginity taken away at a young age and my heart broken into many pieces.

I have the right to be angry.